Wishing G luck

The night before the big surgeries. June 23, 2009

I haven't ranted in a while, so here's some dribble.

Tomorrow Gerard will be having surgery at 7:30 a.m. in Salt Lake. At least, that's the plan.
That means leaving Ogden at 5:00 a.m in time for a 6:00 a.m. check-in at Primary's. Which means I have to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to get the car packed and everyone ready to go. This will not be fun. Just ask my Dad, who knows what a bear I can be in the mornings. Well...G has inherited that gene, and it's a good thing, because that means we won't have to talk to one another.

G will not be able to have anything other than clear liquids to drink until 4:30 a.m and after that...nothing. Should be interesting for me when he gets thirsty. Normally, he doesn't want anything until around 8 am anyway, so we'll see... G is a good sleeper and crashed hard tonight around 9. I had a busy evening getting him ready, packed, bathed and playing hard to be sure he'd sleep. I did well. Now I can't sleep (nerves). Our neighborhood had it's annual summer solstice party, which we nearly missed. We arrived in time for the breakdown of everything tasty at 8:00. We didn't get home until after 6:30, and in the process stood up a friend for the first time ever! I'm a scatter-brain this week. Sorry, friend. You know who you are and I'm sure you understand. I'm sorry...we'll make it up to you.

For all of you out there wondering, there will be 4 procedures done to Gerard tomorrow. 1. revised circumsision (I don't want to talk about why, but I'm sure you get the gist. Shouldn't have been done in the NICU in the first place). 2. tonsilictomy. 3. adinoidectomy. 4. laryngeal exploration. Please don't ask me to explain any of these later on.

Rationally, I know that it is a good thing to have these things done when kids are young. I know that thousands of children have these surgeries performed even as a matter of routine. It's Gerard's blog for when he's older to know what happened with me and him, so I can say what I want here, and I don't want to hear any bull---- about my feelings and how this is going to be so much better for him, bla bla bla. People seem to forget that Gerard is 18 months old. He'll be 15 months adjusted when this takes place, not 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 years old. He's a "baby" for all practical purposes. This is some serious stuff going on. So serious that our local hospitals will not do it. So I can say that I'm concerned. I'm worried, and I'm so sorry that he has to deal with this while he's so little and fragile, as great as he looks. He looks so good and healthy right now that I want to squeeze him all day and play and read to him and finally, "enjoy" him. We've been through the rough stuff. It's all been caregiving up until this point. Forget the mom and dad bonding... We've almost lost him twice now...so I guess I should be ready for another go. Bring it on! What I'd like to say is that I'm very sensitive right now and I'm sick and tired of people saying heartless and ridiculous things to me about what I should or should not be doing. I have made many, many sacrifices so that he can be strong and healthy. I have continued to work through all of this. I have stayed home from work when he's been sick to nurse him. I have taken him out of daycare at the demands of my doctors. I am fortunate that I work at a place that is allowing me to do this for a limited time. But this has been and is a hard, hard decision. It's been reduced to this, or chronic illness for years to come, and I already personally know what that's like. I don't want that for him. He's already had tubes put in his ears, a botched up circumcision and has chronic lung disease on top of all the rest. So let's hope and pray these procedures work and that it doesn't cause more damage. I've already got enough Catholic guilt about all this to last the rest of my life.

As for me and my personal health, I'm feeling much better, although I am quite fatigued. My biopsy results came in "normal," and my head CT looks tons better (no surgery planned)! Hormone therapy is no fun, but I should have a clean bill of health by the end of July. One more ultrasound in a couple of weeks will let us know if I need to have a different treatment. It's been a rough, rough year for the little guy and me. Pressing on...

If you haven't heard from me, it's just been a really tight schedule lately. I'm trying to hang on to what I can with work, and at the same time trying to manage the house and sick baby. I've let my yoga practice completely go and haven't been to the gym in yonks. I did manage to find someone to sit with Gerard for a few days a week which allows me to continue to work in an intermittent capacity. It's all a challenge. The benefit to all this juggling is that my creative skills are popping up in completely new ways and I'm getting some wonderful design work in a spare 30 minutes or so a few times a week.

To all my girlfreinds - thank you. You are all jewels and angels and I couldn't have made it this far without ya'll. God bless. Good night.